Heartbreak(up)

I hardly ever title my pieces. I’m not even sure if this title will stand, but I needed something to title this blog with! I hope you like/understand/comment. 🙂 It’s catharsis for me & I should def write poems more often than I do. Enjoy.

We thrived in the freedom of our friendship
Flirty smiles morphed into full laughs
Heads tited back, mouths open–
There was delight in our infidelities
The whispered apologies on our lips
were hushed by our own mouths filled with sweet nothings
I held each & every nothing in a locket around my heart
It was sentimental to me because it was all you’d ever given me that wasn’t soaked in pain
I clung to every promise that passed those parted pink lips
Devoured the morsels of lies like my just desserts
Because I just deserved to have someone who loves me

Like you do
Like I thought you did
Like you made me believe you did
Leading me right into the thick of love
with no compass or North Star
to guide me safely home
where I sit alone…in the dark
& between shuddering sobs, I reach–
Hands blindly patting the walls, searching
for that switch you used to turn your heart off
Instead, I find your discarded crown
The one I struggled to hold high atop your head
because you refused to wear it on your own
I needed you to be royalty, robed in purple…noble
because that’s how I treated you
You were always more than a Queen to me
You were the entire castle…a Kingdom

What a royal flush you turned out to be

But I clung to the perpetual pain you presented me with
Rocking back & forth, like a pendulum
& I hung on, pretending it didn’t hurt
Gripping tight, knuckles white
Face pale, sweat shining like diamonds

Except, it’s worth nothing.
Worthless.
The way I saw it, nothing could be worth more
Which is why I compromised everything within me, for you.

I was too busy giggling about your previous chick’s insecurities & insanities–
Those secrets you shared about her that should have been silenced
But I listened, too preoccupied in you that I never realized
you weren’t to be trusted

I just wrapped all of that in the butterflies you gave me & called it love
Thinking a pretty package could conceal what was real

Maybe I wouldn’t have held on so tight, white knuckles & all if you didn’t make me all those promises
Premises built on a shaky foundation–
We were destined for failure & I believe you knew that
& used that–
I was pawned in your strategic game of love.

Checkmate. I guess.

I sound bitter as all hell in this piece, but truth be told it’s been a few months in the making & at this point–to that love–I’m over it. I’m over the agonizing pain of it. I realized the stupidity that I was succumbing to by being in that relationship. I’m not even mad at said person, I still love this person & always will. Love isn’t immature–no matter how irrational it makes you feel at times. And in my own journey through emotional growth, I’ve learned that even the bad ones teach you something. Lesson learned.
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